2009-11-24

Leafs' Night Out: A Fight At The Movies (NSFW)

NSFW Jiri Tlusty sez:
May contain NSFW Language, mmkay?

Note: The following is intended for parody purposes only. I do not personally know Luke Schenn, Matt Stajan (and his girlfriend/wife), John Mitchell, or the stars of Twilight.

- The Maple Leafs Penthouse, Thursday night -

Luke Schenn's Apartment, Room 1102
*Schenn and John Mitchell are playing an intense game of NHL 10*
Mitchell: 30 seconds, Luke. Time's running out for ya...HEY!
Schenn: Shut it, Mitchell. This is for taking me out in the second!
*The onscreen characters are pushing each other after the whistle*
Mitchell: A PENALTY!? WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU FUCKING STARTED IT!
*Mitchell gives Schenn a little shove and proceeds to take the controller from him.*
Schenn: Jesus, Mitch, you are by far, the biggest sore loser I've ever come acr---
*Matt Stajan walks into the room, holding movie tickets*
Stajan: Guys, my wife got tickets for that stupid New Moon movie coming out, but they accidently got four, rather than two. And I need you guys to come wit---
Schenn: Don't you dare finish that sentence, buddy. I am not, under any sort of circumstance gonna see that stupid vampire shit.
Mitchell: Yeah, what the rookie---
Schenn: Sophomore!
Mitchell: Whatever, what Luke said.
Stajan: Come on, it'll be a good group bonding experience for us!
Schenn: Yeah, watching some pansy of a vampire make love with a moody girl, that's "group bonding".
Stajan: Like it or not, boys, you're coming. Now go! I promise we'll go for a drink after this so that we'll forget that we ever went to see this shitty movie.
Mitchell: Deal!
Schenn: Hey, wait I nev---
- Stajan leaves the door, and Mitchell does too, restraining Schenn from doing otherwise -

- sitting at the theatre, Mitchell, Stajan, & Schenn ramble while watching the new Twilight film, New Moon -

Schenn: Pfft. I could get that chick to fall in love with me and get pregnant at the same time just by looking at her.
Mitchell: Here you go again, bragging about your fucking special abilities and all that bullshit.
Schenn: Come on, I could kick Mr. Pretty-Boy Cullen's ass there. And his Werewolf friend, too, who strangely looks like Sidney Crosby...
Stajan: Luke, John, shut the hell up! People are watching! *mutters to girlfriend* Yeah, my friends are----
Girlfriend: *eyes glowing* They're weird, Matt. Are they always like this?
Stajan: Nn----

Patron: Quiet!
Patron #2: Yeah, shut up there!

Stajan: Schenner, Mitch, you guys oughta shut up, people are….
Schenn: Oh come on, I could take all of them on in my sleep.
Mitchell: Hush down there, Schenny-boy, you think you're tough?
Schenn: Oh hell yeah.
Stajan: *facepalms* Oh, brother.

- Just then, a hooded man spots the bickering Leaf players and approaches Schenn -

Man: Could you repeat what you said earlier? Something about "kicking Mr. Pretty-Boy Cullen's ass"?
Schenn: Yeah, that was me! And what are you going to do about it!?
Stajan: Please don't mind my angered friend here, he's just mad about being forced to watch this fi---
- The hooded man un-hoods to reveal Edward Cullen himself, Robert Pattinson -
Schenn: You bastard! *Pattinson punches Schenn in the face*
Pattinson: I believe you get this too...*Punches Mitchell in the face*
*Schenn immediately tackles Pattinson, sending him crashing to a vacated seat*
Schenn: Time to give you an ass-kicking, Saskatoon style!
*Schenn goes to work on Pattinson, punching the crap outta him, when an anonymous person waffles Schenn with a weapon of some sort*
Mitchell: Whoever you are, you're mine! *Mitchell charges the unidentified man, and proceeds to attack him.*
Stajan: *watches on in horror* Damn it, you two. I just wanted a nice date with my girlfr--- *notices his girlfriend gone* WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO?!
*Stajan's girlfriend is swooning over Pattinson, who is standing atop Schenn's lifeless form*
Pattinson: *eyes glowing* Yesssssss.........you know you want me. All the girls want some of Edward Cu----*Gets knocked over by a recovering Schenn*
Schenn: You evil, evil sonofabitch. I always knew there was something rotten behind that pale smile of yours. Now, where was I? *Continues to beatdown Pattinson*
*The theatre erupts into mass hysteria, as the slugfest continues, with patrons screaming and heading for the exits*
Mitchell: Get your fuckin' ass up, bitch, so I can kick it! *Picks up masked man, accidently unmasking him*
Man: Surprised to see me? *Headbutts Mitchell* Get up, punk, so Taylor Lautner can beat the crap outta you, son! *Morphs into wolf, and readies to maul Mitchell*
Mitchell: Fuck you, you Sidney Crosby look-a-like piece of shit! *kicks Wolf-Lautner in the crotch*

- Meanwhile, back at Schenn fighting off the newly-powered Robert Pattinson -

*Pattinson shoots out lightning bolts from his eyes, but misses Schenn*
Schenn: I don't know why the hell anyone even bothers watching your crappy movies under their own free will, but I can now see why, you vile asshole.
Pattinson: I have no idea where you come from, but when I'm done with you, you're not coming back to wherever the hell yo--- *Schenn kicks Pattinson in the gut, and eats uppercut*
Schenn: For all the sane people who can't stand this Twilight shit, *rips out a seat and inches towards a prone Pattinson*, YOU CAN GO TO HELL, YOU BASTARD!
*Schenn crushes Pattinson with the theatre seat, causing the Twilight star to bleed profusely*
Schenn: And that's why they call me "The Human Eraser", buddy.
*Stajan's girlfriend collapses, as she is free from Pattinson's hypnotizing spell*

*At the same time, Mitchell finishes off Taylor Lautner, taking him down with a tranquilizer round marked "L. Schenn"*
Mitchell: Thanks a-fuckin'-lot, Lautner. I was gonna use that on Mr. Human Eraser....

- Moments later, the police arrive, and patrons and ushers alike are trying to recover after the extraordinary events that have transpired before their very eyes -

Officer: Is there a "Luke Schenn" and a "John Mitchell" in attendance?
*Mitchell pushes Schenn towards the officer, and hides behind him*
Mitchell: *imitating Schenn* Uh, yeah, I'm here.
Schenn: Damnit, John. *turns to Officer* Yessir?
Officer: You guys are under arrest for disturbing the peace, and attempted assault. You're coming downtown with us, so you can think about your actions and wake-up, wakeupwakeupwakeup......

- The movie theatre, New Moon finished, theatre completely empty, save for Stajan, his girlfriend, Schenn, & Mitchell, who are just waking up from a sleep -

Stajan: *wakes up Schenn* You and *sarcastically* John Fuckin' Mitchell slept through the entire movie, congratulations, Luke.
Schenn: The movie was boring. *Mitchell interjects: YEAH!*
Girlfriend: Are your friends always this weird?
Stajan: You don't know the half of it, girl. Now, let's go get drunk, so we can forget this ever happened.
*Schenn & Mitchell once again begin bickering as they leave their seats, while Stajan and his girlfriend follow suit, sharing a chat*

4 comments:

  1. WIN

    Needs more Rolston and Bergfors imo

    ReplyDelete
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    he hissed, tightening his grip on her, till she sucked in air, threw back her head, and whimpered. Shepaused, letting the disturbing image sink in.

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    Hisgrades were passing to good. Isecretly hoped my breasts would sag so much my obsessed child mightloose his desire through pure disgust.

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